randycunningham9thgradeninjafandomcom-20200213-history
To Smell and Back/Transcript
Back to "To Smell and Back" Scene 1. Outside Norrisville High. (Various students, including Jed Elinoff, Glenn, Dave, the Nameless Girl with a Green Shirt, Bucky Hensletter, Debbie Kang, Juggo, Scott Thomas, the Nameless Boy with a Blue-Green Shirt, the Nameless Blond Boy with a White Shirt, Heidi Weinerman, Theresa Fowler, Doug, and the Nameless Girl with a Mauve Dress are conversing, some at picnic tables which Howard Weinerman is approaching with a tray.) Nameless Girl with a Green Shirt: (giggling):''' Heehee heehee… '''Debbie Kang: Oh, nothing…. (A shadow suddenly looms over the students, growling. Howard gasps and drops his tray.) Krackenstein (roaring):' RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (''As the students flee, Krackenstein flings a picnic table, which flies through the air and crashes into Principal Slimovitz's car.) '''Heidi: Aaaa-aaaaaa! The Ninja (appearing on a picnic table with an explosion):''' Smoke-bomb! '''Krackenstein: Krackenstein — Is — Back… and this time— The Ninja: Ninja Kracken-Slice! (He delivers three metallic blows, and lands neatly on the grass.) Hup! (A small explosion rises from Krackenstein's head; he topples forward with a thud.) Students (cheering):' Yeaa! Yeaahhh! Whoooo! Ninjaaaa! ''etc. (This continues through the next two speeches.) '''Howard: YEH-HAW! (His stomach begins to rumble and bubble, continuing through the Nina's speech. The Ninja signs Scott Thomas's forehead, "NiNjA".) The Ninja: Thank you, Norrisville! It's a pleasure to be your hero… and as your hero, I just want to say— (Howard lets rip a gigantic fart, which lasts until it merges with the exhaust of a passing jet liner.) Howard: OHHHHH, Ninja beefed! D'you guys hear that? The Ninja (flustered):''' What?! Me? N— I didn't! I'm a hero: heroes do not break wind! '''Howard: This one did. Hey, "he who denied it, supplied it," riiiiight? Students (laughing):' Hahahahahahahahah… ''etc (This continues to the end of the scene.) '''The Ninja (desperately, pointing at Howard):''' Uh, bu-but who "smelt it"? That means he "dealt it"! '''Howard (feigning indignant):''' Ninja! Blaming it on a completely random student! Ahhh! Un-bruce. '''The Ninja: But, I-I-I-uh…! Smoke-bomb! (He disappears in a burst of smoke.) Scene 2. The hallway. Howard (pulling a book out of his locker labeled ''French Vol 1 Parlez vous anglais? Français pour des imbéciles)':' Mm-hmmm! '''Randy' (to Howard, angrily):' You framed me! That epic butt-sneeze belonged to ''you! '''Howard: Ha! Ih-hit was epic. Randy (dejectedly):''' Everybody laughed at me. '''Howard: Nobody laughed at you. They laughed at the Ninja. Randy: That's even worse! How's the Ninja supposed to be a hero if everybody thinks he farts? Howard: Cunningham, everybody farts. Randy: Not the Ninja. Howard: Look, once it started brewin', I knew it was gonna be a rep-ruiner. I had to blame somebody! Randy: But the Ninja? The Ninja? Howard: Exactly, the Ninja! He can handle that kinda heat. Besides, I'm sure people have better things to talk about. Dave (to Bucky as they walk past):' H-it was hilarious. The Ninja ripped a tight groove. It sounded just like— (''He makes an explosive fart-noise with his accordion.) '''Bucky: Yeah, it registered an 8.2 on the Rip-ter scale. Buttquake Zing! Randy '(''growling disgustedly):' Mmmm… '''Howard:' Okay, but I pur-romise you, no-one else is talkin' about it. Heidi Weinerman '(''coming onto the in-school television system with the caption "Heidi Live" over a jazzy drum intro):' Pop in your i-brobes, peepodiles! Heidlewile here with H. Dub's hot picks! (''The show whip-pans with a rushing sound to a musical montage of Krackenstein roaring and the Ninja farting, ending with the montage-Ninja saying, "Ninja Pass!" and a loud fart.) Schnasty and blasty! Mad grats to my brother, Howard "Double Dip" Weinerman, for the Ninja Fart Remix! (The students in the hallway, including Theresa, Debbie, Glenn, the Nameless Blond Boy with a White Shirt, Flute Girl, Stevens, Bucky, Scott Thomas (whose forehead still reads "NiNjA"), Dave, the Nameless Girl with a Mauve Dress, and the Nameless Girl with a Green Shirt laugh heartily, while Brent does a fist bump with Howard.) Students (laughing):' Hahahahahahahahah… ''etc. (This continues through Randy's next speech.) 'Randy '(gasping, aghast):' AAAAAA! (''He grinds his teeth together, furiously; then, to Howard: ) Bathroom, Now. (He stalks past Howard, who ignores him completely, into the bathroom.) Scene 3. The bathroom. Randy: 'I Can't Believe You! (''Randy glances around and realizes that Howard has not followed him in.) Ummm… N'ah! (Reaching out into the hall and hauling Howard, who is laughing and fist-bumping Stevens, into the bathroom.) I Can't Believe You! A "Ninja Fart Remix" video? How are people gonna forget if you keep reminding them?! 'Juggo '(coming out of a stall which is flushing):' Might want to give that one a second, fellas. I just Ninja'd so hard, my eyes watered! '''Randy:' Ninja'd? What's "Ninja'd"? Juggo: You know… "cheek-squeezin'"… "tush-tootin'"… Howard said we should call it "Ninja"-ing. Randy (gasping):' Ah! (''To Howard) Jerk-''ccuse!'' This time you've gone too far! You're gonna go on Heidi's Me-cast, and Claim — That — Fart. (The NinjaNomicon begins flashing and throbbing inside Randy's hoodie.) '''Howard (relieved, grabbing the Nomicon):''' Oho, Nomicon, thank Cheese! '''Randy (distracted):' Huh? (''Howard thrusts the Nomicon into Randy's face.) Oooaahhh. (He shloomps, and Howard, grunting, kicks open the nearest bathroom stall and flings him with the Nomicon onto the toilet seat.) '''Howard: You baby-sit this baby for a while. (The Nomicon slips down into Randy's lap as Randy slips down into the Nomicon.) Scene 4. Inside the NinjaNomicon. Randy (falling):' Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (''There is a series of whumps as Randy falls through five of the eaves of a pagoda, grunting at each impact.) Oh! Uh! Oh! Aaaaaah! Oh! (He stands up, confusedly.) Uhhh...? (Randy sees a doodle-Ninja, looking around, and then looking into the glass window of the pagoda with a slight clink. Randy also goes to look, and gasps, as an ominous dragon-like shadow drifts past.) Aaaa! (The doodle-Ninja draws its katana with a metallic shirr, and bursts through the paper wall of the pagoda, stabbing what is seen to be a dragon-shaped helium balloon at a party of doodle-children, with a banner reading "Happy Birthday". The balloon deflates with a leaky whine and a rubbery sound. The doodle-children burst into tears.) '''Doodle-Children: Waaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaa! Waaaahaaaahaaaaaaaaaa! (The balloon explodes into the doodle-words of the Nomicon's lesson: "A NINJA DOES NOT TAKE LIGHT MATTERS SERIOUSLY." The doodle-Ninja escapes off to the side.) Randy (reading):' "A ninja does not take light matters seriously." (''In a self-satisfied tone) Right! Being the Ninja is serious, so I shouldn't take Howard's jokes lightly! Thank you, Nomico– (Oblivious to his surroundings, he steps off the edge of the pagoda and starts falling, rising up out of the Nomicon.) –aaaaaaaaa! ''Scene 5. Mr. Bannister's classroom.'' (Randy goes to his seat with a scowl, as Howard and other students (whom we shall see to include Bucky Hensletter, Dave, Debbie Kang, Doug, Juggo, and Theresa Fowler, along with the Nameless Boy with a Blue-Green Shirt, the Nameless Girl with Big Eyelashes, the Nameless Girl with Dark Red Hair, and the Nameless Girl with a Green Shirt) work on papers with a faint scribbling sound.) '''Randy (seating himself with a disgruntled grunt):''' Mmmmf. '''Howard (trying to attract Randy's attention with low hisses, which Randy grumpily ignores):''' Pssssst, Cunningham. Pssssst, Cunningham. Pssssst, Cunningham! '''Randy: I'm not talkin' to you. Howard (dismissively):' Ohhhh, you're not still mad! (''He slaps Randy on the back.) '''Randy: Yes – yes, I'm still mad; you made the Ninja into a joke. Howard (insistently):' Pssssst, CUNNINGHAM. (''directly into Randy's ear) PSZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT–! '''Mr. Bannister: Weinerman, stop making that sound, and get up and read your story! Howard (to Mr. Bannister):' Just a second! (''to Randy) Cunningham! '''Mr. Bannister: Weinerman! NOW! Howard (sighing disgustedly):' Ugghhh, fine. Mmmm… (''As Howard stands at the head of the classroom to read his story, the lights flicker, a subterranean rumbling is heard, and the classroom starts to shake. A drill-head forces its way up through the floor.) '''Students (variously):' Aaaa! Aaaaaah! Aaaa! (''The drill is seen to be attached to a huge sphere on tank-treads.) '''Doug (pointing out the obvious):' Mr. Bannister! A drilling-pod just emerged from the center of the Eaaaarth! (''From the pod emerge three Intraterrestrials, shooting ray-guns indiscriminately in several directions.) '''Doug (as he is struck with one of the rays):' AAAAAAA! (''He is transformed into a stone statue.) '''Mr. Bannister (horrified, to the Intraterrestrials):' Sweet Cheese, you just turned that poor kid to stone! (''More calmly) Oh, it's Doug… Not sure how to feel about that. '''The Ninja (appearing with an explosion):' Smoke-bomb. All right, time to kick some… (''to the Intraterrestrials) …I'm so sorry — what kind of butt are you? '''Dave (holding up his phone camera):' Ninja, wait. Don't fart until I hit record. (''Hitting record) Okay, you can fart now. '''Students (taking out their phones while laughing):' Hahaha! Ha! Heheheh! ''etc. '''The Ninja: Stop laughing; this is serious! (One Intraterrestrials twirls an energy lariat, neatly lassoing the Ninja. Another ensnares him in an energy net.) The Ninja: Ahh! (He falls over; the Intraterrestrials drag him into the drilling-pod with a thump.) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Intraterrestrials: Heheheheh. (They slam the hatch shut, and the pod descends into the earth with a roar.) Debbie Kang: They just kidnapped the Ninja. Juggo: Who's gonna save that guy that always saves us? Howard (resolutely):' ''We are. '''Students (gasping):''' Ahhh! '''Howard: We're gonna follow those Intraterrestrials down their earth-hole and save our Ninja! Whoooo's with me?! Bucky: But we're not heroes! Howard: Right now, we're the only heroes we got; and again I ask (and, please, someone answer it this time), who's with me?! Students (cheering):' Yeah! Yea! Haha haha! Yes! Whoohoo! ''etc. (This continues up to the next scene.) '''Howard: Yes! (He pushes over the petrified Doug, who crumbles into fragments.) YES! (Juggo pulls a rope of scarves tied together out of his bloomers, and lets it down into the hole; Howard, Theresa, and Bucky jump down onto it, and descend.) Scene 7. A chamber at the center of the Earth. (Various Intraterrestrials are working at computer panels. An indistinct figure hovers in a dark tube in the center of the room. Two of the Intraterrestrials fasten the Ninja to a chair with cords. '') '''The Ninja:' Yah! Uhnn! Queen Gabnidine: So! You're the Ninja – the famed hero of Norrisville … riiiiight? The Ninja (affirmatively):''' Right! '''Queen Gabnidine: I am Queen Gabnidine – ruler of the Intraterrestrials … riiiiight? The Ninja: Right! (realizing) Wait, how would I know that? Queen Gabnidine: You're probably wondering why we've brought you here … riiiiight? The Ninja: Right! Yes, that's definitely right. Queen Gabnidine: For years, Mag-Man defended our home from the evil mantle dwellers – until he stopped being a hero … riiiiight? The Ninja (protesting):' This is ''your story! I've never been here! '''Queen Gabnidine (dubiously):' Uhh-huhhhhhhh. (''She waves her scepter, lighting the dark tube and revealing the wilted, drooling form of Mag-Man.) '''The Ninja (appalled):' Whoah. What happened to ''him? '''Queen Gabnidine: His herothalamus has ceased producing bravezymes! So we have kidnapped you! We will transplant the essence of your hero into him– The Ninja (faintly):''' Huh? '''Queen Gabnidine: – and he will be a Hero Once More! Riiiiight? The Ninja (vehemently):''' No! Not right! '''Queen Gabnidine: I WASN'T ASKING! The Ninja: Then why do you keep saying, "Riiiiight?" Does anyone else find this confusing? Intraterrestrials (shrugging):' Ehhh. (''A metallic tentacle ending in a hideous array of sharp, waving calipers extends with a metallic whirr from the tube console toward the Ninja's face.) '''The Ninja (desperately):''' No, no, no, No, No, NO, NO! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait! ''Scene 8. A subterranean tunnel.'' (Howard Weinerman, Debbie Kang, Juggo, Theresa Fowler, Dave, and Bucky Hensletter are making their way down a subterranean tunnel.) '''Howard: The center of the Earth's right around this corner. Come on! Debbie Kang (falling through a grate which has just given way under her):' Oooh! (''falling) Ahhh! '''Howard (snagging her by one hand):''' Nnn! '''Debbie Kang (smitten):' You caught me. (''giggling) Ohoho! '''Howard (tenderly):' I never let you go. (''He draws her to safety.) '''The Ninja (echoing out of scene):''' Waaa-aaaah! '''Howard (glancing around):''' Do you hear something? '''Dave (sleepily):''' It sounds like the Ninja, screaming in terror. '''Juggo: But I don't hear any farts. Debbie Kang: Who else could it be? It must be him. Howard (to Debbie, coolly):''' You're as smart as you are cute. '''Debbie (giggling):''' Ohoho! '''Howard (to Debbie, warningly):''' Don't get mushy on me, kid. This juice is about to get real. ''Scene 9. The chamber at the center of the earth.'' '''Queen Gabnidine (exalting):''' SOON YOUR HERO WILL BE OURS! RIIIIIGHT?! '''The Ninja (squirming back and forth on the seat):' Uh, uhh! Uhh, UHH! (''As he slides across the seat, it makes a farting sound.) '''Intraterrestrials (snickering):''' Eheheheheh. '''The Tentacle (snickering):''' Eheheheheh. '''The Ninja: No! That wasn't me! It was the chair. Look, I'll make the sound again! (He squirms back and forth, making various squeaks, but no farting sound.) Huh, uh-hnn, na, uh, uhh. Intraterrestrials, including Queen Gabnidine (snickering):''' Eheheheheh. '''The Ninja (dejectedly):' Fine. Forget it. You can have my hero. (''Unseen by him and the Intraterrestrials, Howard has entered the chamber.) '''Howard: Mmmm? The Ninja: If it can save your people, great. Everyone thinks I'm a joke anyway. Howard (gasping):''' Huh! '''Queen Gabnidine: So you're just giving it to us, is that right? The Ninja: Yeah. This isn't gonna hurt, right? Queen Gabnidine (pausing to turn toward the "Hero Drain" button and peering narrowly over her shoulder at the Ninja, then dubiously):''' Riiiiight…. '''The Ninja (panicking):' Wait, why'd you say it like that?! I don't like the way you said it! (''The tentacle extends itself toward his face, squeaking menacingly.) Aaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaahhh! '''Howard: LEAVE 'IM ALONE! Queen Gabnidine (surprised):' Errrr? (''Juggo, Theresa, Bucky, Howard, Dave, and Debbie are revealed to be in the room, standing in heroic poses.) '''Queen Gabnidine (threateningly, as the Intraterrestrials hurry forward):''' Or What? '''Howard: Or THIS! (Howard rushes forward and roundhouse-kicks the ray-gun out of an Intraterrestrial's flipper, punches it in the face, topples it with a leg-swipe, grabs the ray-gun as if falls, and hurls it into Queen Gabnidine's belly, with heavy thuds each time.) Queen Gabnidine (clutching her belly):''' Oh, my guts! He got me in my guts! Oh, sound the alarm … riiiiight? '''Intraterrestrials (shrugging):''' Uhhh? '''Queen Gabnidine (angrily):''' It's not a question! Sound the alarm, you fools! '''The Ninja (vindicated):' See? It's confusing! (''The alarm sounds, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" Dave, Theresa, Juggo, and Bucky and the Intraterrestrials advance toward each other, as Queen Gabnidine slinks aside.) '''Students (advancing at a quick pace):''' Hnn! Hnn! Hnn! Hnn! Hnn! Hnn! '''Dave (uppercutting an Intraterrestrial with his accordion with a thump):''' Ugnnn! '''Theresa (striking another Intraterrestrial with her baton, also with a thump):''' Ugnnn! '''Juggo (smiting yet another Intraterrestrial with his juggling pins, with a heavy thump):''' Nnnn! '''Bucky (uppercutting a fourth Intraterrestrial with his triangle, with a thump and a light "ding!"):''' Yuhhh! '''Debbie (flashing her camera in an Intraterrestrial's eyes, and punching it while it is blinded):' Hah! (''Juggo thumps another Intraterrestrial with his juggling pins.) '''Theresa (delivering a flying kick to an Intraterrestrial's face with another thump):''' Nyoo! '''Howard (hastening over to the Ninja):' Hnn, hnn. Hnn, hnn. Let's getchoo outta here, Ninja. (''He tugs futilely at the Ninja's leg manacles.) Nyeh! Nyurr! Neh-heh! (A hot pink glow appears on the Ninja's face, as the tentacle begins sucking the hero out of him with a low whoosh.) '''The Ninja (in pain):''' Uh… Ah-ahh… '''Howard: NOOOO! (The tentacle continues to suck the hero out of the Ninja with reiterated whooshes.) The Ninja (groaning):' Uah… Ohhhhhh… (''A monitor labeled "Hero Life Meter" on the "Hero Drain" console shows (over an electronic wibbling sound) Mag-Man's life-force increasing as the Ninja's is drained. Suddenly an Intraterrestrial skitters up from behind Howard, seizing him under its flipper like a football.) '''Howard (surprised):' Yah! (''The first Intraterrestrial flings him at the feet of a second Intraterrestrial.) Ah! (The first Intraterrestrial draws its ray-gun with a sharp click. Howard reaches up, seizes the flipper of the second Intraterrestrial, and heaves it over his shoulder in front of him.) Hyeahh. (The energy bolt fired by the first Intraterrestrial strikes the second Intraterrestrial.) '''Second Intraterrestrial (being turned to stone):''' Erraaggghhh! '''Howard (pushing on the now stone second Intraterrestrial):' Huh! HYUHHH! (''He topples the second Intraterrestrial onto the first.) '''First Intraterrestrial (crushed):''' Hghh! '''Howard (pointing his finger at them like a gun and delivering a cool one-liner):' You guys "rock." (''He puffs imaginary smoke off the end of his finger-pistol.) '''Debbie (giggling, smitten):''' Ohohohoho! '''Howard (pointing at Debbie and delivering a vehement warning):''' Don't you do it! Don't you fall in love with me! '''Debbie (giggling):''' Ohoho! '''The Ninja (painfully):''' Uaah! '''Howard (gasping):''' Huh! '''The Ninja (groaning, as the tentacle continues to suck the hero out of him):''' Aaa-ahhhhhh… '''Howard (seizing the stone flipper of the second Intraterrestrial and tugging at it):' Nnuhhnn! (''The flipper snaps off.) Nyyaa! (Using the flipper, he smashes the wibbling "Hero Drain" console with a thud.) Eh! Hmm? (He hurries over to the Ninja.) Hnn, hnn. (He strikes off each leg manacle with a clank.) Whnnn, nnnn! (The tentacle powers down; the Ninja collapses.) '''The Ninja (flopping onto the floor):' Whoh… (''rising, weakly) Howard? You saved me… '''Howard (supporting him, bluffly):' Let's not start juicin' each other's cheese just yet. We still gotta get outta here. (''Amid the whistling blasts of the Intraterrestrials' ray-guns, the students battle them: Dave delivers another uppercut with his accordion, as Juggo thumps one and Theresa another with their juggling pins and baton, respectively. Debbie blinds an Intraterrestrial with a flash from her camera, while Theresa delivers a stunning thwack to another with her baton. Two Intraterrestrials advance menacingly on Howard and the weakened Ninja, when they are suddenly hit from behind by a sonic wave, produced by Dave and Bucky playing their accordion and triangle in combination.) '''Dave: Musical blast! Howard (approaching the exit while supporting the Ninja):''' WEINER-MEN –! '''Debbie (indignantly):''' Hey! '''Howard (gently amending the faux pas):''' …and Weiner-Ladies… WE'RE MOVIN' OUT! '''Debbie (noticing two Intraterrestrials who have crept up on her and gasping):' Huuuh! (''She flashes her camera in the first Intraterrestrial's eyes, causing it to mis-aim and shoot the second with its ray-gun.) '''Second Intraterrestrial (being turned to stone):' Erraaggghhh! (''Debbie sprints out the exit.) '''Theresa (delivering a flying kick to an Intraterrestrial's face):' Yah! (''It topples, and she runs. Juggo flees, flinging his juggling pins behind him, which bowl over two pursuing Intraterrestrials in a whirl. Theresa scampers through the exit, followed by Juggo and Dave.) Errraaaaooowwaahhhhh! (Howard, supporting the Ninja, follows them out.) '''Queen Gabnidine (to the Intraterrestrials, angrily):''' Stop them! They're escaping … riiiiight? '''Intraterrestrials (protesting):' But, Your Lowness, they went ''left! '''Queen Gabnidine (irritated):' I-I-I-I know. Go left, go ''LEFT! (very quietly) Hmm … riiiiight? ''Scene 9. A subterranean corridor.'' (Bucky, Theresa, Juggo, and Dave are running toward the surface, with the Ninja and Howard a little way behind.) '''The Ninja (sprinting alongside Howard):''' I can't believe you all came to rescue me! '''Howard (indignantly, as if pointing out the obvious):' Of course we did! You're ''our hero! '''The Ninja: But you think I farted. How can you look up to someone that's a joke? Dave: You're not a hero because we look up to you; we look up to you because You're Our Hero. Bucky: Fart, or no fart! The Ninja: Then why'd you all laugh? Howard: Because FARTS ARE HUH-LARIOUS! The Ninja: OHHhhhhh! The Ninja's not the joke; THE FART IS THE JOOOOKE! Queen Gabnidine (suddenly revealed to be blocking the corridor with a squad of Intraterrestrials):' Put your gleebledrengs up! (''An Intraterrestrial whispers to her behind its flipper.) I mean "hands." Put your "haaaands" up … riiiiight? '''Howard: If you don't mind, Ninja, I think we could use a hero. No joke. The Ninja: Hmm. (noticing a large tank labled "FLAMMABLE") Stop me if you've heard this one. (He begins to glow red, and a fireball forms in his hands.) NINJA TENGU FIREBALL! (He hurls the fireball at the tank, which explodes, literally bowling over Queen Gabnidine and the other Intraterrestrials.) Queen Gabnidine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! – Howard and the Ninja Defeated Us – But Mostly Howard! … Riiiiight?! (She and the other Intraterrestrials are engulfed in a wave of flames.) The Ninja (observing the wave of fire advancing rapidly up the corridor):' Oyy. (''turning and running) Run. To the topsoil! (Theresa, Debbie, Howard, Bucky, the Ninja, Juggo, and Dave run in terror ahead of the oncoming gigantic fireball rushing up the corridor.) '''Bucky (whimpering):''' Yuuhuhuhuhuh! '''Theresa (shrieking):''' Aaaaaa! ''Scene 10. Mr. Bannister's classroom.'' (Dave, Juggo, Theresa, Bucky, Debbie, the Ninja, and Howard fling themselves out of the hole to the center of the Earth flat onto the floor.) '''Debbie (crying out):' Aaaaaa! (''The fire explodes out of the hole and quickly dissipates, missing them.) '''Debbie (half rising):''' HE DID IT! HE SAVED US! '''The Ninja (dusting himself off, deprecatingly):''' Debbie, please. I honestly just— '''Debbie (squeeing and rushing past him, shoving him out of the way):' EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA! (''She embraces Howard, planting a kiss on his cheek.) '''Howard (to Debbie, coolly):''' I'm warnin' you, baby; you're playin' with fire. '''The Ninja (to Dave, Juggo, Theresa, and Bucky, humbly):''' I learned a valuable lesson today. Beef or no beef, I'll always be your hero. '''Howard (to Debbie (who is still holding him), not particularly humbly):''' Yeah. I also learned a thing. When you rip a sweet one, don't blame it: claim it! '''Bucky (admiringly):''' Howard? Are you saying…? '''Howard (proudly):''' That awesome fart you smelt — I dealt! '''Bucky, Juggo, Theresa, and Dave (rushing to surround Howard and lift him on their shoulders):''' HOW-ARD! HOW-ARD! HOW-ARD! '''Debbie (harshly):''' HOWARD! ''Scene 11. Mr. Bannister's classroom (reality).'' (The classroom is revealed to be entirely undamaged. All the students besides Howard (Debbie, the Nameless Girl with a Green Shirt, Theresa, the Nameless Girl with Big Eyelashes, the Nameless Girl with Dark Red Hair, Randy, Dave, Juggo, the Nameless Boy with a Blue-Green Shirt, and even Doug) are seen to be sitting at their desks, unscathed though slightly aghast at Howard's revelation.) '''Debbie (accusingly):' That epic fart earlier was ''you? '''Howard (who is still standing, paper in hand, by the desk where Mr. Bannister is sitting, a trifle wall-eyed):' Best believe it, sister! You think anyone else can bust seams like that? (''chanting) How-ard! How-ard! How-ard! (faltering) Why isn't anybody chanting? '''Debbie (protesting vehemently):''' Because you're disgusting! '''Howard: Whaddya talkin'? Everybody thought that fart was bruce! Dave (explaining sleepily):' Yeah. When the Ninja farted, it was funny ''and bruce — but when you do it, it's just gross. '''Mr. Bannister (putting an end to this unsavory conversation):' Thank you for that disgusting tale, Mr. Wienerman. (''brightly) C plus! '''Howard (with an elated fist pump):' YES! (''Howard returns to his seat.) '''Randy (quietly grateful):''' Hey… thanks for setting the record straight. '''Howard (pretending not to understand):''' What the juice are you talkin' about? '''Randy: That story — you wrote it to show me I was taking this whole fart thing too seriously. Howard (craftily):' I didn't ''write anything. (triumphantly) Made it up off the top of ma head! Pretty impressive … riiiiight? AH HA HAHA! HAHA! HA! (He farts.) '''Howard and Randy (pointing, desperately): IT WAS DOUG! END Category:Transcripts